You must build a boat.
You must spring out of bed.
You must bargain with the lizardman.
You must heed your undead navigators.
You must slide rows or columns of tiles on a 6x8 grid.
You must match at least 3.
You must run to the right.
You must focus intently on 2 areas of the screen simultaneously.
You must match keys to unlock chests and swords to attack.
You must literally collect your thoughts and trade them for dragons.
You must not dally.
You must not be too hasty.
You must voluntarily ramp up the difficulty by taking on multiple quests at once.
You must incrementally reach your goals. You must build a boat.
You must try again.
You must try again x5.
You must win every time, even when you don’t.
You must remain optimistic.
You must upgrade your magic staff.
You must occasionally stop playing to allow for your hand to uncramp.
You must take credit for random chain combos you made no effort to arrange.
You must trust a blue bean man to make dangerous investments with your money.
You must forget about the blue bean man.
You must mind the asp.
You must reconcile that despite the game’s title, you begin your journey in possession of what is, in no uncertain terms, already a boat.
You must build a boat.
You must go all-in on the retro aesthetic.
You must trade junk for gold with the voidorb.
You must pray for salt.
You must consume fish and tomatoes for time.
You must venture through hell.
You must disarm traps like your life depends on it.
You must make an offering at the chapel.
You must rally the Fantasy Union and the Undead Buddies to your cause.
You must weigh anchor and methodically yet joyously hop in sync with your entire crew.
You must feign interest in critiquing the gardener’s work.
You must look up at the clock and wonder how it’s so late already.
You must build a boat.
You must build a boat!
YOU MUST BUILD A BOAT!!!